My thoughts On Love And Relationships As A Humanist And A Realist




I am in a bit of break from work currently, and I am taking the time to think mostly for myself and focus on my goals and my next steps forward.

I thought of writing this essay on a subject I rarely talked about in my previous essays or speeches, but discussed privately with certain individuals and I thought of taking it to public because I receive a lot of accusations from some people that just because I don’t believe in the supernatural, I don’t have feelings like love and attachment because I believe in “nothing” which is obviously not correct. I just believe in something that is supported by evidence.




 This essay was not meant to discuss these accusations but to explain my thoughts on love and relationships, these are my thoughts only and I don’t claim to speak for all Humanists or irreligious people so, I just wanted to make that clear.



I see relationships as experiments, something like a scientific experiment and sometimes you can work on adjusting the experiment as time goes on and you know and appreciate the person and sometimes you have to start a new one.


People go to relationships for different reasons and have different definitions of love. Sometimes these reasons differ as time goes and they find new things about the person they first fell in love with and fall in love with the new stuff.

The people that we love can sometimes reflect who we are and what we value. For example, I value ambition and intelligence so much that I look for someone who has these characteristics.




But I also understand that these two characteristics are variable, and sometimes I don’t look for them all the time because I value other things too at a certain time. Like being genuine and being simply a best friend, regardless of the person’s intelligence and ambitions.

I think one of the most important part of the relationship is trust and also being independently happy individuals without each other.

Depending on your partner to make you happy is damaging to the relationship because it would also include expectations and nothing harms the relationship more than expectations.


I look at relationships as a luxury, not as a need and I think that’s the healthiest way to do it. Otherwise, if you think of it as a need, you will be obsessed and obsession has more disadvantages to a relationship than advantages.



Obsession is unhealthy with about everything in life, and the same can be said for relationships too.

You will start looking at your partner as an object that is there to satisfy you and they must fulfill all your agendas so you can be happy. It’s very important, in my opinion, to look at your partner as a complex human being with feelings and goals to achieve.

You are not the most important part of the relationship, both of you are equally important, and that also means you should know yourself worth too.

If you are the only one who should sacrifice for the relationship to succeed and your partner is doing nothing on the other hand, congrats! You are in a toxic relationship, and you will figure that out eventually, and your relationship is most likely to end sooner or later. It’s not the end of the world if you do, you should celebrate that.



It would be great if my partner can make me happy all the time, but I don’t expect that of her because she is a human being too, and sometimes she also needs someone to cheer her up and that person sometimes could not be me, but rather a friend or a family member.

One of the most disastrous statements people say when they are in relationship is that “we were meant for each other”. This statement left aside implies that there is a supernatural power that decided that for you. It comes with a lot of baggage and expectations. “How come you weren’t able to make me happy today? We were meant for each other!” That’s your job whether you like it or not.



I think that’s irrational and unhelpful to the relationship itself.

You don’t have to be your person’s everything and you can’t, but you can be someone that plays a positive role in your partner’s life.



Love is a feeling and it’s a variable, but there are certain elements for a relationship to succeed in my opinion that are also important if not more important. Elements like trust, friendship, communication, having similar goals, understanding, etc. It’s better to focus on these elements and grow them together with your partner than just to focus on a variable emotion as the standard for your relationship. I would like to end my essay, which I hope was helpful to you, with a motto I believe in: “Today I marry my best friend”.





  • Djemon

    great essay!

    “Depending on your partner to make you
    happy is damaging to the relationship because it would also include
    expectations and nothing harms the relationship more than expectations.”
    very true, been there before and sadly I had to learn that the hard way.
    keep up the good work 🙂
    best wishes from your fellow countryman